If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
No one is a virgin, the world screws us all”
Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow”
!~!~I tried sniffing coke, but the Ice Cubes got stuck in my nose !~!~!~
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.”
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”-
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
I’m not anti-social, I just don’t like you”
“Don’t talk to me, when I’m talking to myself”
“Home isn’t where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in”
”We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus”
“You can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.”
“You shouldn’t compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.”
”We are responsible 4 what we do unless we are celebrities.”
”The people you care most about in life are taken from u 2 soon & all the less important ones never go away.”
”I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy”.
We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
I’m not a tease, Im just a reminder of what you can’t have
**If it doesn’t fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway**
“I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock!”
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it
“A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.”
”An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.”
“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
